Conflicted

Upon my trip down the rabbit hole I always had a feeling within me, conflict.  Conflict in that a loss in the sense of purpose.  A feeling of waste.  As a veteran it is a hard pill to swallow coming to the realization that everything you fought for, everything that you sacrificed for.  All of the blood, sweat and tears.  Everything you endured in service of your country.  Coming to the realization that it was all a big fat fucking lie.

I'll be honest it is difficult to accept the realization that you weren't fighting for freedom or serving a greater purpose like I thought I was.  You end up trying to convince yourself that you can justify your service.  However, you often find yourself realizing that such a feat is impossible.  You even try to bring it down to a micro level and say you fought for your brothers and sisters that you served next to.  The sad thing is you can't though because in the big picture, it was all for nothing.  That's especially true for me since I spent my time in Afghanistan riding a desk.  How can I say it was worth it for me? Especially when all the war I experienced was through a computer screen.

With all that said though, believe it or not but I do not regret my decisions.  If it wasn't for my military service I don't know if I wouldn't have been woken up to the bullshit that we currently deal with.  For all I know I would still be that Neoconservative shithead that I was when I first enlisted, hating Obama for the belief he would pull us out of the war (oh how young I was).  Shit maybe I would have turned out whiny liberal begging the government to protect my feeling and take over my life.  If asked if I would change anything I would have to say no.  Was my service a mistake? Yes it was.  However, if I change anything I feel like I would just make different mistakes.